Iceland was plunged into further chaos last night when Prime Minister Geir Haarde told gathered journalists and foreign diplomats the news that all who had gathered had feared. Ominous, portentous of doom, his voice reminiscent of Satchmo at his peak, Haarde held the media throng agog as he confirmed the fearsome rumours. There had indeed been a run on Iceland.
It is perhaps an inevitable consequence of the financial tumult engulfing this small island nation -with the banking crisis fuelling national debts of over 150% of GDP- that such a scenario, so unlikely 12 months ago, should come to pass. However, in the cold light of day, as yesterdays bankers and fishermen stare grey faced at their raw herrings, last week so appetising and this week so un, they will demand to know what is to be done. That is the question that Haarde and his associates must answer.
It could all have been so different. In 2004 Iceland was booming, the benefits of free market capitalism and membership of the EEA leading the UN to declare it “…the best place to live and that”. The population, although small, was certainly secure and indeed had seen an element of growth due to many European and Asian expatriates taking up residence there, lured by the musky smell of cold hard cash. This is, however, where Iceland overreached itself. So confident were they in their newly mustered national strength that they began to export large numbers of their own citizens for little financial return. The most notable ‘exportees’ are sportsmen such as Eidur Gudjohnsen, actors such as Anna Briem, musicians such as Sigur Ros and Björk*, and even the entire cast of television programs such as ‘Lazy Town’. Although in the short term it brought about the era described by Henry Kissinger as “The Age of Icelandic Global Cultural Hegemony”, the longer term legacy has been to wipe up to 90% off of the value of Icelanders, a critical drop.
Realising too late the precarious position they were in the government of Iceland attempted to redress the balance, importing 8,488 Poles. However the move proved to have little effect as the vast majority of migrant workers are not professional musicians, footballers, actors or production companies. In 2006 Alan Greenspan sought to sooth growing international fears about Iceland by saying:
“Man, you don’t even need people to have a prosperous nation. You just need a bucket full of optimism and an awareness of when to pretend things aren’t there. I remember in 1943 when one man in my home town by the name of Jones accidentally cloned himself 13,243 times. The government was afraid of there being rampant Jones inflation and set about drafting even elderly Jones’ across the state, but at the end of the day we got through the crisis by pretending that his name was “”, and that kinda solved the problem. Of far greater moment to me right now is where those damned ‘Reeses Pieces’ have got to…”
However, despite this noble attempt at intervention the moment the markets got jumpy, so did Icelanders. Get jumpy I mean. Not noble.
By the 17th of the month some econosociolosophers predict that as many as 48,000 Icelanders will have tried to withdraw themselves nationwide in a bid to protect their own physical integrity. The problems arise, however, when there are quite simply not enough people, and parts, to go around.
In 1998 the government of Iceland came up with a revolutionary new idea; organ-time-sharing. The idea was to make more efficient use of the organic resources integral to the human experience. Some saw it as a liberating idea almost on a par with the Thatcherite sale of council houses, and it did indeed generate a great deal of wealth, at least initially. Poorer manual employees working in the fish packing factories, for example, would rent out their olfactory organs for much of the day, firstly because the smell of decaying cod was unedifying and secondly because there was a considerable market for it. Cat-smellers, gastro-obsessives and taxmen would pay very high rates to rent or partially own an additional nose. As demand grew supply stagnated causing rampant nose, foot and elbow inflation. Indeed, by 2005 ankles and bottom cheeks were being sold outright on ebay for as much as $230,000(US). These levels, fuelled by debt, proved to be unsustainable. In the final quarter of last year as much as $2.4m of finger loans went unpaid, the assets being seized by banks, occasionally even by force. One man from Arborg had a third wrist removed by none other than Björgólfur Guðmundsson, head of Landsbanki, the billionaire using only a written description of anaesthetic and a butter knife “..to show the bum some learning.”
As body parts and later the people themselves began to pile up within Iceland’s banks as toxic debt, it was only a matter of time before disaster struck, and the advent of the credit crunch seems only to have exacerbated the crisis.
There was carnage this evening outside many branches of Glitnir, the (now) state owned bank. Hundreds of worried citizens queued outside planning to withdraw themselves, or at least as much of themselves as possible. However, as the crisis deepened the shutters were pulled down and panic ensued. The police sent politically sensitive mime artists to calm the situation but the crowd merely shrieked in horror fearing the return of “Bjork the Very Insane”. One mime artist was even stolen, the thief leaving a travellers cheque and a signed picture of Walter Matthau as compensation.
The population of Iceland last week was, according to the United Nations, just over 313,004.32. However, with the recent slide in value some sources, including the World Bank, estimate the population at well under 200,000. Give or take an Eidur. In fact Henry Paulson, the United States Treasury Secretary, is believed to have told George Bush that “The Icelandic people to all intents and purposes now appear to run into negative integers.”
So back to the Haarde question- what is to be done?
The government has firstly promised to back the physical integrity of all of its citizens. How they feel they can manage this, however, is a mystery. At the last audit it was discovered that the organ-banking system was deficient to the tune of over 12,400 body parts, 62% of them vital. Conspiracy theories abound that Russia has promised, along with a £4bn dollar loan, to provide enough vital organs from dissenting journalists to plug the gap. China is also thought to be involved, President Grimmson doing little to stifle this rumour when declaring:
“Well, they do have a bloody lot of people, don’t they?”
The Duke of Edinburgh was moved to declare that comment in poor taste.
As the world looks on Iceland knows that this gamble must work or face the confusing prospect of there being less people than there are, with more organs than there are supposed to be, embedded in bodies and attached to faces that ought to not be, or really do be but slightly less, perhaps not at all, unless they happen to be more, in so being, in which case it’s alright. Eh?
Report By: Björÿgÿólÿfuÿr Guðÿmuÿndsnÿjkoÿÿÿorksÿssÿÿÿonÿÿÿlmnf
Icelandic correspondent and regular contributor to “The Monthly Cod War Games & Split-Mary Handball Monthly”
*It must be noted that Björk, rather than exported for profit, was in fact banished from Iceland for being “Mjög Geðveikur” (“Very Insane”).
